In my early childhood I had issues with rejection because of my father abandoning me after I got to know him. I thought that he left because of something I did and I didn't want to hurt like that again so I would do anything to try and fit in. I was in the habit of conforming to apparent social "trends" my friends came up with.

I was about 4 and my friend I had grown up with decided to... experiment (not sex... just close). I really didn't know any better back then so I just went along with it. I had another experience on my school bus with a younger girl who did a little "ill show you mine if you show me yours" thing. It got me into thinking like everyone does this with other people so I didn't think anything about it when another male friend did the same thing a year or so later. It's the conditioning I got from those experiences that lead up to one day when I was 7.

My mother had to work 2 jobs so she couldn't watch me, she left me with her friend Jerry. We played a couple games and he made me food... then he popped in a porno. He started touching me and even though it did scare me I had a part of me telling me that it was like with my other friends.... He molested me and it was only a few years later that I realized just how wrong what he did to me was.

I have been living with questions about my sexuality because of those experiences. I know that I like girls and I have had sex plenty of times to be confident that I am straight... but what does my past mean?

Your sexuality is what it is. You're attracted to whoever you like. The fact that you have experiences with guys in the past doesn't mean that you have to be attracted to them now. Or that those acts make you gay. If you like girls, then you can just continue liking them and enjoying them. You're straight and you like girls. That's that.

I understand why you're dwelling on your past and it's super normal. You have experiences which others don't. And those experiences are very real. They can't be undone and you have to live with the memories, unfortunately. But that's all that they are, memories. They do not define who you are or your sexuality. They're as powerful as you let them be. I know it happened long ago, but memories are still part of us. So it may help to talk to a therapist about what happened. It doesn't make you weak or crazy or anything. All it means is that you're ready to process your feelings about the past so you can move into the future without them. They can't be ignored, ignoring won't make them go away. So releasing them seems like the only way forward.

I'm kind of in your shoes. I had an uncle so similar stuff to me. And I know how hard it is to leave your past behind you. Those memories are strong, no matter how hard you try to leave them. But really, I know from experience that you can't ignore them. So it's time to instead try to process your feelings about it instead of letting it have this control over you.

Good luck and I reallyyyyy hope this helps you. :)

-------
kid, I wrote back,
all lovers betray.

If you haven't already talked about your past issues then I would be willing to help you like you helped me. That's only if you feel that you need to talk to some one, just say so and I'll PM you.