It is really rather hard for me to get these ideas from my head to words, but this is an attempt.  Just last school year (sophomore year) I was a very happy kid, in the top 10% of the class with a good home and basically it wasn't a question of getting into college for me but rather where I wanted to go.  This summer I read a book, Into the Wild, and from that point on I have rethought everything about my life, where I am headed, what I want to do when I grow up, things of that sort.  By this time I have accepted the nonexistence of a god in the universe, so that's not much of a problem.  Perhaps it was because of that that I began searching for a meaning of life.  I came up with my now fundamental ideology that happiness gives life depth and meaning, and the pursuit of that happiness, of a personal Utopia, is a purpose of life.  I believe that true happiness can only exist with absolute freedom, and that is perhaps the main idea driving the changes from last year.

(For ease of reference later, I will call this my laissez faire trait) Perhaps it is an obsession now, but I am terribly uncomfortable with putting limits on anything.  I will always object whenever I have to impose my views, ideas, or limits on another person, on myself, or someone imposes their limits on me.  This is a root cause for much of the anxiety that I am feeling, but the source of the anxiety has not been explored yet, as I am just now beginning to fully understand what has been cultivating in my mind.

I do not feel comfortable with the status quo.  From the time we are young we are told to be ourselves and all that jazz, while always being assimilated to what the person telling you that wants you to be (usually state schools).  People sacrifice their individuality to fit in, and I don't care much about that because they can do what they want (good example of the above paragraph, I cannot feel content for anyone because of their actions, unless they hurt the human experience for anyone else though, but that touch on my morals will be saved for a later date).

To the big deal though, I don't know what it is but now I feel that becoming a drone is not how I want to live my life.  I do not want people telling me what I can and can't do, what I can and can't eat, where I sleep, how I get around, or anything like that.  This is part of the dilemma posed by my extreme 'laissez faire' trait.  By now you think I'm just some rebellious youth who's been wasting your time, and that is the exact cause of the dilemma.  College payments, job obligations, bills to keep me tied down: I really don't want to live this way.  I would love to be a drifter when I grow older and get out of high school.  I am fine with living in nothing more than a car or in a tent or rough lean-to, I would actually prefer it really.  That way I am free to roam wherever I wish whenever I want.  I do not feel that I can find happiness with the normal life.  Only when I am out and free and really living on my own will I truly be happy.  I will work odd jobs when I need cash, settle down in some place for a while and go to another, the whole execution of my life is not a real cause for my stress.  The only thing holding me back I fell is my past; like I said, I was college bound, and my entire family (all 11 of us, rather small yes) is expecting me to go and, as I fear, my immediate family may need me to go.  The only problem is that I don't want to go and just end up a drifter anyway, that would be a waste and put my parents or myself in a situation of bondage to pay off the college debts (naturally now I will refer to my laissez faire trait and how I resent having such tie downs).

That is all I can come up with for now, it is the first time I have attempted to put down the changes on paper and will certainly not be the last, and how it is written now will not be lasting.  However, I do appreciate the opportunity to write this down and I want to thank you very much for showing a keen interest on someone who you do not even know.  What I hope to achieve from this is some self-discovery as well as some tips on life when you get out of high school.  Is the saying (no matter how much I dearly despise it) part of maturity is making peace with the establishment, or is that more of a defeatist attitude when facing the establishment and deciding to conform?
If you are looking to make your job easy, as you know I am (because I really hate to burden you with reading all this, then feeling some drive to make sense of it, try to relate to it, and attempt to respond to it thanks to, as we may expect by now, my laissez faire trait) just a simple answer for the following would be greatly appreciated:
Would I be throwing my life away by following too extremely the 'normal rebellious attitude' experienced by people my age; and, is part of maturity making peace with the establishment?


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True happiness can only be realized through absolute freedom.
Freedom can only be achieved in death.

I don't know if it is possible to grow up and live in the world without conforming in at least some aspects. You will have to conform to the expectations of future employers and to some extent the expectations of society. Being entirely non-conformist is, I believe, not possible. The thing to do is find which things you need to do, and don't do the things that aren't necessary. You don't need to dress the same as people at school (for example), but you do need to conform to the school rules.

Unfortunately I doubt you will ever be able to escape other people's demands, limitations and expectations... society is rather dependent on people conforming, and by living in the world today, you have to conform really. That doesn't mean to say you can't live a different lifestyle to the majority of people - I still believe it is possible to live without a steady income and all the things that go with that... just tricky and there will still be things you have to do.

I don't think that by conforming you are surrendering who you are... you are still you, you just need to express yourself in ways that are acceptable to society.

Is it possible for you to have a year (or more) out after highschool? That would provide with some time to experience life, to try different things and to see if the way you are proposing is really the way you want to live life. It would also give you the option of changing you mind and returning to education. I don't know if gap years are common where you are but over here a lot of people take them. If you did then decide that you didn't want to go to college, your family might be more accepting if you have shown that your way of life is sustainable and enjoyable. Over here people tend to use a gap year to travel and experience things they would otherwise never get to do. Does that sound like something that would be beneficial for you?

It would also be possible to go to college and then live the lifestyle you desire... perhaps freelance writing would be something to consider? That would give you a way to earn money without tying you down to working hours.

Hope that helps a bit... please feel free to reply here or PM me, and again apologies it has taken so long for a reply.

~Arguia

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Greater than a poet's fame
A little grave that has no name.